Tuesdays With Lazerbeak

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Hello and welcome to the first Tuesdays With Lazerbeak of 2010.  I hope you all had a great new years.  The end of 2009 was looking pretty good for me right up until the last day of the year, on which I somehow managed to inflict extreme bodily harm on myself while trying to enjoy a 3-D movie with my family.  Bear with me here, this is actually a somewhat funny story in hindsight.  Hit the jump for the rest….  

If you know me at all, you know that I am a pretty huge proponent of the new 3-D movie craze.  It just looks too awesome not to like.  UP!, Coraline, and Monsters Vs. Aliens all ruled, and I even enjoyed Beowulf quite a bit (so many dragons) even though it got pretty awful reviews.  Don’t even get me started on this new Toy Story 3 dealy coming out soon.  With all that said though, for some reason when the previews for Avatar came out earlier this year I really wasn’t that interested.  It just looked pretty terrible, and I couldn’t imagine that 3-D would be enough to make it sweet.  A few weeks after it came out though I had like twenty different people in my ear telling me how amazing it was and that I would love it, so I decided that on the last day of the decade I would give it a shot and kinda go out with a 3-D bang.

My little cousin was off from school, so my sister and I decided to take him on a trip to the Mall Of America and go check out a matinee.  Big mistake.  We got into the movie a little late and Avatar had already started.  It took forever to find seats in the pitch darkness of the theater, but we finally worked our way into some spots and settled in.  I was pretty pumped actually, plus my sister had bought me some nachos (double bonus) so everything appeared to be golden.  I grabbed my 3-D glasses and went to throw them on when all of a sudden I felt something quite sharp inside of my eyelid, jabbing against my EYEBALL!!!  What the eff man!!!  In my haste (and to my credit, in complete darkness) I somehow managed to  jam one end of the glasses directly into my right eye instead of placing it over my ear like everyone else in the theater had done.  So not cool!  I spent the duration of the 2 1/2 hour film with one hand over my eye and tears spilling out of one lens of my 3-D glasses, all the while trying to play it extremely cool and not look like a cry baby in front of my 12 year old cousin.  Man, I really messed this one up big time.  

And it didn’t really get better after the movie was over.  By the time the wife and I were ready to go out for New Years Eve later that night, my vision was incredibly blurry and my eye was all swollen and bloodshot.  Not a good look on anyone and also a total bummer.  Brittany dragged me out of the house regardless though, and my good friend Scoops was actually able to knit me a makeshift eyepatch on the spot right before the party started.  The generous amounts of both champagne and whiskey that I ingested later, combined with the abundance of friends and loved ones all around made me forget all about the pain entirely.  Jeff even gave me a holiday bail bonds shirt that he had received at the liquor store earlier that night.  The power of friendship prevailed once again and this whole thing kind of turned out to be the feel good story of the year for me.  The saying stays the same in 2010:  Never let a mother effer break you dawg, especially if that mother effer is a pair of 3-D glasses.


Over the next couple days my eye has slowly recovered and I feel like a million bucks again, but man that was bad.  One of the more embarassing stories I’ve ever been apart of.  At the time it happened I had sworn off ever going to see another 3-D movie again and had cursed James Cameron’s name to the high heavens.  A lawsuit crossed my mind, but they made me give the glasses back when the movie was over so that wasn’t even an option!  After giving it a lot of thought though, I think if I just practice extreme caution next time around I can get past this whole ordeal.  I can’t really give Avatar two thumbs up yet until I actually see it with both eyes, but I’ll keep you posted.  One thing I do know for certain, Toy Story 3 is gonna rule so hard.

beak champagne

Thanks for enduring this incredibly long and quite possibly uninteresting story.  Next week I’ll be back to lists of awesome things and Bonus Jams.  Again, happy New Year.  2010 is ours.  See you next week.

— Beak